The universal misunderstanding surrounding pet bereavement

30 Sept

This week's blog is a crossover to talk to those of you here at Fleur Fauna Pet Crematorium and those of you here at Spot on Counselling. My two ventures have many things in common, a passion for doing my bit to make the world a better place, my love for animals, and the importance of the recognition of pet loss.

Recently, there has been quite a spotlight in the news on pet loss and the impact it has on us as humans. I still find it surprising that, in this day and age, this is a subject that even needs discussing. After all, we are supposedly a nation of animal lovers!

Radio 1 DJ Greg James recently lost his beloved dog Barney and took a day off work, which led to much-needed discussions about the importance of pets in our lives and whether pet loss is taken seriously enough. And, as some of you may know (have I gone on about it too much?!) I was recently asked to do an interview with BBC Radio Wales about exactly this subject. Listening back to my very first radio interview, I did think I should probably have thrown in a few statistics to give my argument a little more credibility. But hey, next time! Funnily enough, I was approached again but completely missed the call. Clearly my road to becoming a famous pet grief spokesperson is going well… I will be famous one day and shout from the rooftops about the importance of pet loss if it's the last thing I do. And don't worry, I will invite you all along when I inevitably land my TV show, podcast or whatever it is I'm destined for.

But jokes aside, I really do believe this conversation matters.

Pet loss has even been highlighted in our television programmes, with soaps such as Emmerdale exploring the impact it can have on families. And I won't lie, tissues were definitely needed when Cain said goodbye to dear Monty. Don’t judge me, I do love a soap!

Perhaps seeing these stories played out on television is important because it reminds us that this isn't unusual.

People grieve for their animals.

And they grieve deeply.

So why does pet loss feel different?

Pet loss is often categorised as disenfranchised grief, grief that is misunderstood, minimised or simply not fully recognised by society.

Consequently, the bereaved pet owner faces two challenges; the emotional pain of losing an important attachment, and the additional burden of having that grief misunderstood or unrecognised by others.

So how is pet loss different from human loss? (This is where I might get a little controversial). In my opinion, absolutely nothing in terms of the importance of the relationship or the grief that follows it. Grief is not a competition between human and animal relationships. The significance of a loss cannot be determined by the species of the one we have lost. Now, before anyone thinks I'm trying to downplay human loss, I'm absolutely not. Human loss is incredibly important too, but that's probably another blog in itself.

My point is simply this:

Loss is loss. Grief is grief.

My pets are my life. They have been with me through so much. They have been my reassurance, my comfort, my routine and my constant. They've been there when life has been brilliant and when it has been incredibly difficult.

They have helped shape who I am, my identity, my purpose and my everyday life.

So when we lose them, of course that loss is going to hurt. We aren't simply losing an animal, we're losing a relationship, a presence in our home, our routines. We're losing someone who was there every single day.

And we're losing all those tiny, ordinary moments that we didn't realise were becoming some of our most precious memories.

When I lost my first Dalmatian, Fleur, I didn't cope particularly well. I lived on Ryvita, cups of tea and wine. I'm a human being, after all. And, at that point, I hadn't learnt the tools I now have to help me navigate grief, and I use the word navigate lightly because grief really does have a force of its own. The loss felt immeasurable. Waves of pain would crash over me constantly. I'd drop a tiny morsel of cardboard (Ryvita) or ‘normal’ food on the floor and, for a split second, expect her to be there to collect it, but Fleur wasn't there, luckily my others, Doty, Daisy and Fenn were there to help with such duties, but from four dogs to three, who'd have thought the gap and space left behind would be so huge? I'd find reminders of Fleur around the home we'd shared for fourteen years, and each one could break my heart all over again.

And perhaps the worst part wasn't even the grief itself.

It was the feeling that I shouldn't be feeling it.

Because of the stigma surrounding pet grief, I spent so much of my time telling myself to get it together. I thought I should hurry up and get back to normal. I thought people wouldn't understand. And, if I'm honest, I didn't even know if I was allowed to feel as devastated as I did. That is what disenfranchised grief can do. It can make you question your own grief.

But your grief is valid.

Pet grief is real, your pet was important, they lived alongside you. Their absence is felt in the smallest of moments. The quiet where there was once noise, the routines that no longer have a purpose, or that instinctive glance towards their favourite spot. Grief isn't simply about accepting that someone is gone. It is also about learning to navigate a world in which their physical presence is missing, while the love and connection remain.They were part of your family and your everyday life and your loss needs no other explanation.

You don't have to minimise your grief .

Your relationship mattered. Your loss matters. And your grief deserves to be heard.

For some people, admitting how much they are grieving for an animal can make them feel incredibly vulnerable. They might be frightened of being looked at differently. They might worry that people will distance themselves. They might fear that others simply won't understand, and do you know what? That's okay, they don't have to understand, they don't have to agree, they don't have to have had the same relationship with your animal that you did.

Your pet. Your loss. Your feelings.

That is enough.

And I'm not alone in thinking this.

Dawn Murray, founder of the Association of Pet Bereavement and the person behind the support group Living with Pet Bereavement, recognised a long time ago that the loss of a companion animal can be one of the most stressful, heartbreaking and overwhelming experiences a pet owner will ever face.

Through the Association of Pet Bereavement, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to do my BBC radio interview - which I have only mentioned approximately seventeen times so far!

As a counsellor/therapist/psychotherapist, I go by all titles….. and through Fleur Fauna, I have the privilege of supporting families experiencing pet loss themselves.

This has given me a slightly unusual perspective because I've experienced grief personally, but I also have the important privilege of sitting alongside other people while they experience it.

And one thing I know for certain is that there is no one way to grieve.

I think sometimes we put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to "get over" grief. But how do you get over losing someone you loved? You don't. You learn to live around the grief. You may always miss them. There may always be certain things that remind you of them. You might go weeks feeling okay and then suddenly hear a sound, smell something familiar, walk past a particular place or find an old photograph, and there it is again.

When we lose our pets, the reality has changed, but the brain's learned expectations have not yet caught up. This helps explain why we might momentarily think we hear them, instinctively reach out to them, put their food bowl out or expect to see them waiting at the door. Drawing on the work of neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, we can understand grief as more than an emotional experience. It is also the process of learning. Your brain is learning to navigate a world that has fundamentally changed. And as we know, learning takes time.

There is no deadline.There is no correct amount of time to grieve. And there is no rule saying that because they had four legs, feathers, or even scales, you should somehow feel less.

Perhaps talking openly is how we change things

Maybe pet loss will always carry some stigma. Maybe there will always be someone who doesn't understand why losing an animal could affect you so deeply. But the more of us who talk about it, the more we show that the loss is real.

We can talk about our pets. We can say their names. We can share our memories. We can admit that we're struggling. We can give people permission to grieve without making them feel that they need to apologise for it.

And perhaps, eventually, taking a day off work because you've lost a beloved companion won't seem like such a controversial idea. Because our pets aren't simply pets. They are part of our homes, our routines, our identities and our lives. They are there for the ordinary moments that become extraordinary memories. And when they die, we don't just lose an animal. We lose a relationship. We lose a constant. We lose a piece of our everyday life.

So let's stop asking whether pet grief is valid.

Let's start asking how we can support people through it.

And if you're grieving right now, please know this:

You don't need to justify your grief.

You don't need permission to miss them.

And you certainly don't need to apologise for loving them so much.

Be part of the change.

Talk about it.

Be proud of it.

And most importantly, let yourself grieve.

Your therapist, Natasha 💚 | Spot On Counselling

BA (Hons) Counselling – First Class Honours